5/29/13

They may shut of my cable soon so I am given a heads up to whomever may be reading. I might be also going once again to jail, but I have not decided how I may do this, so if I disappear you know what may have been the cause of this. On a brighter note all is well here.

5/27/13

Which side of the line do you belong to? What do we beleive in? What do we stand for? Would we be willing to stand up under any condition to claim our belief? Where would we end up if we did make a stand? Sometimes we end up in locations that are not very desierable. Facing our greatest fears can take a lot of courage. Does anyone see our sacrifices? I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and they teach there is a Heavenly Father that sees all and knows all. Even if nobody can see what you do to become a greater person our Heavenly Father sees. From my experience he always has a purpose for us. Every situation is used for our refinement. The Church also teaches that we can be forgiven for our sins if we go through the proper repentance process. It is said that we all are not perfect or sinless. We all sin and return must renew our vow by partaking the sacrament. I know my weaknesses and I know my strengths. Some people hide their weaknesses from others in an act to appear perfect. I carry mine on my shoulders. I had a problem with many different crutches. A few months ago I took up smoking and coffee. I also went on a short spout with marijuana. I have since quit. I have no excuses and my bishop said I needed to work on obeying the word of wisdom as taught by the LDS faith. My bishop also told me that I can not partake of the sacrament until I overcome my weaknesses. I can report that today I am clean. I am even clean from Mountain Dew(natures nectar).
It is written that there is opposition in all things and with me this holds true. Every time I get close to the truth something happens that tries to separate me from it. All of my life has been this way. I know that I am close because I have a lot of weight on my shoulders. I can feel the adversary trying to work on me. The greatest temptation is to break the law. I am known for breaking the law to make a point, but that does not mean I do not respect the law because I do. I just use the law to strengthen myself. Now I am working on not breaking the law. I have to stay away from all Church facilities except my home ward. I have been arrested in my own pew before because my bishop told me not to go to church. I looked at that as a trial of faith. I am not interesting in fighting the Church because it is the source of my greatest power. That power is the power of the priesthood. Even though I have at time been unworthy of using this power I can still use it to remind me where the iron rod is.
I have spent many days locked up in jail or prison. There are many that are happy of this fact because of the wrongs I have done to them. I can understand their position and respect it. I may one day have to go back to jail again so some of you can be happy about this fact. The problem is that I find myself during my greatest challenges. Jail, prison and mental hospitals have only served to open my eyes.
I have been told that when you least expect it something will walk into your life and change your perspective. For me it was when I was at an all time spiritual low. I spent many months searching for a companion that would and could be my equal. I went through many potentials and after a while I started to lower my expectations of who she would be. I started to pick up bad habits like smoking. I thought I could convert that someone special if I was to meet her. I am not going to post her name, but most can figure out who I refer to. She changed my perspective, but I was not worthy of her. I can only hope that time will change that. She is one of the most beautiful woman inside and out that I have ever met. I want to live each day as if the world is going to change at any moment. That means I am casting out all fears or regrets. If that is true than I need to tell "J" that I still care about her and can't wait to meet her again even if it is in the next life.

5/25/13

Another day has come and past. Did I do everything required to call it a good day? Sometimes I wonder. What was I supposed to learn today? I went to a wellness center over night to try an option of getting myself well in all that I do. I remembered today a lot of things I have done wrong in  the past. I have been told that the wrongs in our past refine us not define us. I hope that those I have done wrong to can forgive me. I have done many bad acts but in my heart I am good. I am a good soul. I fight to keep myself pure every day. Am I perfect? No I am not.

5/23/13

My therapist told me that I needed to write down the things that I am feeling in order to better process the information that is entering my life. She is right about this assessment of the situation and I thought the same before she told me her opinion. The greatest thought that I am weighing is whether or not to surrender myself to the authorities and become a prisoner again to this society. I look back on and at my life and know that most of my growing experience has come from me being locked up. This does not mean that I love to go to jail and only means that it has been used as a tool to better refine me. I wonder what Heavenly Father has in store for me and I wonder when I will see what I need to and I also need to feel the experience. Just because I have a record does not mean that I am institutionalized because I am far from it. I love my freedom with all my heart. I ponder in my heart what my next move is. Should I just chill and let the world change around me or should I take a personal approach for my own growth? If I am to grow then in what form? Trusting in what the Father has for us is tough to do. I see so much around me that is calling me to something. Are these really the last days? Is the news I hear and see really trying to talk to me? How am I to show that I am a believer through and through? How do I stay a free man and still offer a sacrifice that is worthy to be called a good sacrifice? These are all the questions I have placed before my father and king. I am not a judge but a passer through trying to help those I come in contact with. I might not be able to give a lot but I try to give what is fair and in proportion. Do I want more out of life? Yes with all of my being.

I lost track of the day

I want to send a message out to all the women I my have disrespected along the way. I want to say how sorry I put you through what I did. I lost track of who I am. That is no excuse but it is non the less a fact. If you want to hold a grudge against me than that is on you, but I truly am sorry.

Day 1.2

Mormon 8:38
.....Why are ye ashamed to take upon you the name of Christ?.....

There is much more to this scripture then I have typed, but this is the basic reason I am justified for what and who I believe to be. I at times am ashamed to take upon the name of Christ especially when I am considered a criminal for trying to live out this scripture. Some say I take this scripture to far and it only means to take it to heart, but I know what the true meaning is. If Christ had to live in this world just as one of us who would he be? What walk of life would he have to spend his days? What opposition would he have to come against? Would he be exempt from pains and suffering? What would he have to go through to learn the lessons he would need to be the leader he is destined to be? I ask the same questions as all when I think am I really Christ? Have I been deceived? If I am not Christ than who am I? I know I am a child of god and I know I have a logical and rational mind, but is that enough? What more must I go through? What is my destiny? Why am I considered an outcast to a church I remain loyal to? Why do I remain loyal to the Church, it has done nothing but place me into jail? Do I speak out against the Church or do I stay on the path I know to be true? The temptation is great. I am bombarded on every front. My only connection that I have is through a loving bishop that truly wants to help. I have been 'no trespassed' and I have a stalking injunction against me to keep me from Temple Square and Welfare Square. My "delusion" has left me owing child support that would even keep me from entering the temple even if I wanted to. What is my motivation? What gets me up in the morning? Am I looking and hoping to tap into the wealth of the Church to help me get out of my financial troubles? I don't believe that. Being free from jails and prison and even a mental hospital has become also a type of confinement. I am kept on a very short leash. I am also in what is called mental health court. I am not allowed to do much outside the norm. How do I express myself? Who can I turn to for relief? Some say that I am crazy for believing that I am the Messiah and I want them to know that I believe I am crazy also. I am torn between a world that has been built up for thousands of years and what is called a normal society. The great enemy is thinking that the world is secure. Just look at the news. We are in many wars and many more are about to take place. We are heading rapidly to a new world war. Most of us can't focus our energy on what might be, but I am not one of you. I am a single man that has nothing better to do than analyze this world and life as we know it. Am I Jesus Christ? I have no miracle I can perform to prove whether I am or not, but this much I know that when the world changes I will be ready. I will patiently wait for the timing of my father in heaven. I will live each day as if it will all change tomorrow.

This is the first time I have ever blogged. Sharing what I keep inside my head is not one of my strong points in socialization. Finding people who have the emotional intelligence to understand is the hard part. My life experience has created a gap between myself and what is called the norm. To put it simply I am alone most of my time with only my thoughts. Is this sad? No. This fact has created a strong sense of spirituality and understanding of who I am and what is expected of me from my father in heaven. I have never been one to not obey what I feel is an inner command to break free from the present and move to an unknown future. This has left me, most of the time, alone with only hope and a strong sense of faith to carry me into what I like to call a darkness of uncertainty. When I get close to having what is called a normal life I have an inner longing to let it go. I have said goodbye to many, many people and friends that have helped me rise to a new level. Unfortunately, almost always, I have had to let these people go.
You have to understand my perspective, this life is a time to test our obedience. I am a single father that has been labeled by at times a judgmental society. I have not seen my children for many, many years. I have an emptiness in my soul. I have to fill it somehow and in some way. My goal is to become a better person so one day I can offer my children good and sound advise. I have been looked upon as an unstable person, but if you look closer you will find that I am solid in my convictions. I love to show who I am and I love it when I have a purpose. We live in a world full of uncertainty. If you had the chance who and what would you become? Would you be obedient to an unseen King? Would you survive being an outcast of society? What would you study and how would you pass your time?
There is always a great longing in my heart to be apart of a world that I love so very much. I long to have that family car and go to my children's soccer games. I see people every day that I wish I could be even for just a day. At times like this I need a reminder of who I am and where I have been and what I must still do and overcome. My battle is not over and sometimes I need to go places that are out of the norm to get a fresh perspective on my reality. The truth is that I am not "normal". I have been given special gifts. These gifts can not be used for the purpose of money; my weaknesses make sure of this fact. I have been in the darkest of prisons and have been protected and groomed. I have seen first hand who the true enemy is and what he stands for. I have been rejected by family and friends I love and cherish. I have even been rejected by a church I have always been true to.
Where do I go from here? What is my next test? What more do I have to give? How close to the edge do I have to live? When will the world change so I can finally have true peace in my heart? Is my therapist the only one who will take the time to understand me and my unpredictability? As a song reads, "what hurts the most is being so close".
I believe in miracles and I know one day I will be given the chance to rest from a mind that seams to be climbing a never ending cliff.