This is the first time I have ever blogged. Sharing what I keep inside my head is not one of my strong points in socialization. Finding people who have the emotional intelligence to understand is the hard part. My life experience has created a gap between myself and what is called the norm. To put it simply I am alone most of my time with only my thoughts. Is this sad? No. This fact has created a strong sense of spirituality and understanding of who I am and what is expected of me from my father in heaven. I have never been one to not obey what I feel is an inner command to break free from the present and move to an unknown future. This has left me, most of the time, alone with only hope and a strong sense of faith to carry me into what I like to call a darkness of uncertainty. When I get close to having what is called a normal life I have an inner longing to let it go. I have said goodbye to many, many people and friends that have helped me rise to a new level. Unfortunately, almost always, I have had to let these people go.
You have to understand my perspective, this life is a time to test our obedience. I am a single father that has been labeled by at times a judgmental society. I have not seen my children for many, many years. I have an emptiness in my soul. I have to fill it somehow and in some way. My goal is to become a better person so one day I can offer my children good and sound advise. I have been looked upon as an unstable person, but if you look closer you will find that I am solid in my convictions. I love to show who I am and I love it when I have a purpose. We live in a world full of uncertainty. If you had the chance who and what would you become? Would you be obedient to an unseen King? Would you survive being an outcast of society? What would you study and how would you pass your time?
There is always a great longing in my heart to be apart of a world that I love so very much. I long to have that family car and go to my children's soccer games. I see people every day that I wish I could be even for just a day. At times like this I need a reminder of who I am and where I have been and what I must still do and overcome. My battle is not over and sometimes I need to go places that are out of the norm to get a fresh perspective on my reality. The truth is that I am not "normal". I have been given special gifts. These gifts can not be used for the purpose of money; my weaknesses make sure of this fact. I have been in the darkest of prisons and have been protected and groomed. I have seen first hand who the true enemy is and what he stands for. I have been rejected by family and friends I love and cherish. I have even been rejected by a church I have always been true to.
Where do I go from here? What is my next test? What more do I have to give? How close to the edge do I have to live? When will the world change so I can finally have true peace in my heart? Is my therapist the only one who will take the time to understand me and my unpredictability? As a song reads, "what hurts the most is being so close".
I believe in miracles and I know one day I will be given the chance to rest from a mind that seams to be climbing a never ending cliff.